We Give Others What We Long for Ourselves

Why we often feel like we are always giving yet never receiving

Julia was feeling sad. There was a heaviness in her chest, and her breathing was impeded. She could feel the tears gathering in her eyes, ready to spill over any minute. She clenched her teeth and slowly breathed out. Now was not the time. She could cry later, tonight maybe, but not right now. Because if he heard her crying, her best friend would come to her. To hug her, to comfort her, exactly like he knew she needed. Even now, a part of her was tempted to give in and enjoy the comfort of his presence. But how could she take that from him, even if he was giving it so freely, if only moments before he had expressed so clearly his need to be alone?

She felt miserable. All she had wanted, was to comfort her best friend while he was hurting. She had wanted to show him that he was not alone, that she was there for him. She had wanted to hug him, and support him. And he had pushed her away. He had snapped at her. And finally, he had asked her to leave.

Now she was hurting, both because the rejection stung, and because she cared about her friend: when he hurt, she hurt. It truly was as simple as that.

However, she was at a loss how to help him, or to support him in his time of need. When she felt sad, all she wanted was to be surrounded by her loved ones, to be comforted, to feel she was not alone. But her friend now had asked her, repeatedly, to go away. How could she show him her support, if she wasn’t allowed to come close? How could she offer company, or comfort, if they were apart?

Was she truly meant to let him suffer, all by himself? Wasn’t that… cruel?

How we act towards or interact with other people, is inevitably influenced by how we perceive the world. Just like Julia, we tend to use our own framework of ‘normal’, to give shape to our actions in certain situations.

If I am someone who feels better when a loved one gives me a hug, then chances are when I see a loved one feeling down, my first impulse might be to give that person a hug, too. Nowadays, I might not always act on that impulse anymore, as I’ve learned that not everyone enjoys the same things I do; but there used to be a time, when I would have offered that comfort immediately, and in doing so I would have made things worse.

We all long for different things in life. Some of these things are material in nature: we want food or a place to live. Maybe we want a book or toy or a phone. Their materialistic nature makes them tangible and concrete, and therefore those desires or needs are more easily identified or put into words. If I have to buy a birthday present, it doesn’t even cross my mind to consider the book I’ve always wanted as a suitable gift. When it comes to buying someone a gift, we are aware that we should look for something that the other person likes or needs. We still might struggle identifying suitable gifts as we do not always know what the other person wants, but we try. The intention is there.

When it comes to giving intangible gifts, however — love, friendship, support — we often fall short. We try, we really do, but like Julia in the story, we quite often end up giving the other person what, on a subconscious level, we ourselves long for in this world. If we offer support, we do so by our own definitions, as we do not know what support means to the other person. As a result of this, misunderstandings arise. A classic example of that might be a boy pulling a girl’s hair, which does not necessarily mean he dislikes her and is bullying her, but he could just as well be trying to communicate that he really likes her and wants her attention. Yet, the girl does not know that. Chances are, even the boy is not consciously aware of what is driving his behavior.

These patterns continue into adulthood, and mainly they arise because even if we all use the same language to put into words what we need or desire, our definitions of these words vary greatly. We tend to give the world what we ourselves long for the most. If we feel comforted by hugs when feeling sad, most likely we will want to hug loved ones when they are feeling down. If we prefer to be alone when feeling sad, often we will be tempted to give loved ones that same space, even if they might simply desire a hug.

As a consequence of this behavior, we often feel like we are the ones always giving, more than we receive. And many people, like us, feel the same way. Yet it cannot be, with so many generously giving people in this world, that there are so few people actually receiving.

The answer to this, is that as other people, like us, are giving us what they need (and not what we might desire), we don’t perceive it as a gift. Nor do they perceive our actions as a gift to them. There is a mismatch, and as a result all of us feel like we’re giving so much and receiving so little.

So how can we do things differently?

First, we need to become aware of ourselves. What are we giving freely to others? Is it something we long for as well? What theme meanders, like a river, throughout our lives?

We know we want love, we want support, we want friendship. Maybe we want work, we want money, we want luxury. Or we want nothing of the above and we just want to roam the world. Yet are we also able to describe, in specific terms, what those things mean to us? What value do they add to our lives? What does traveling offer you that you cannot find at home? When and how do you feel supported and what is missing when you don’t? What does money provide to you emotionally?

Secondly, once you become aware of those patterns, once you get to know yourself in this new way, you will be freed from reacting automatically towards the other person. You will be able to listen to them and to choose consciously what it is you want to give them; and more often than not, we will find out it is much more pleasurable to give them what they need, rather than what you need yourself.

Don’t give loved ones what you need. Listen to them. Give them what they need instead.