Why Acceptance Does Not (Always) Work
Acceptance is the practice of choosing to allow things to be when you cannot change them in that moment. It means one stops resisting and rejecting that what is causing them pain by accepting that in that moment (s)he cannot change anything about it. When practiced well, acceptance can ease ones’ struggles.
Acceptance has always been part of the therapeutic process. In earlier years, patients were often told they just have to learn how to live with their condition, while in more recent years, practicing acceptance has found its way into modern psychology and counseling. It makes sense. Just accept it and your struggles will go away. It is an empowering feeling, knowing that there is something one can actively practice to improve their wellbeing. The pitfall is, when the patient is not yet ready to accept things, it can create a barrier that is not easily crossed. Moreover, if someone tries to accept things, but does not succeed, it can lead to feelings of failure and guilt, thus worsening the condition rather than improving the patient.
Acceptance can be advised to almost anyone. The patient with fibromyalgia, who was told that he has to accept feeling tired the rest of his life. The young woman, barely in her twenties, whose mother just died and has to accept a future without the woman who gave birth to her in it. The 45-year-old couple who so desperately wants kids, and was recently told that they have exhausted all options and having kids is simply not in the cards for them. The middle-aged man, who has been suffering from depression since his teenage years, and cannot accept that this is what the future holds for him.
All of them were told, by their caregivers, their loved ones, their acquaintances, and even by themselves, that they simply have to accept things the way they are and that, if they were able to do that, they would feel better. A magic solution.
And yet, all of them were still suffering when they came to see me. Simply because there is no magic solution, and because acceptance the way they tried it does not work. Acceptance is not as simple as it is sometimes painted out to be. It is not a matter of rationally deciding to, from now on, accept this vision of the future even if it is not really what you want if given the choice.
And there lies the first pitfall. Acceptance is not about the future. Rather it is about acknowledging that right now there is nothing to be done that can change the situation, and thus stopping trying to resist what is at present. It does not involve what may or may not be at a later time, as no-one can predict the future.
Non-acceptance leads to struggling, resisting, and rejecting. It creates suffering. But we do not avoid this turmoil by forcing ourselves to accept whatever is. Especially when you are not ready, trying (and failing) to accept things can often make them worse.
“My psychologist told me, doctor, that as long as I do not accept that I will never see my mom again, she cannot help me. But I do not want to accept that. I am not ready for that. I am so angry! Angry for not being able to see my mom, and angry at anyone who says I simply have to accept it.”
The second pitfall of acceptance is that often, we try to force people into accepting a non-desired vision of the future that is completely at odds with how they are feeling right now. We are creating a dichotomy where, in order to accept the death of a loved one, the loss of a child-that-could-have-been, health problems, or a fading dream, they have to stop feeling whatever they are feeling right now.
How ironic!
For the sake of accepting a situation or event, we are telling people to not accept what they are feeling. We are telling them not to accept their own emotions. We are teaching them to suppress them, to bottle them up, to stop feeling. It is a recipe for years of unhappiness to come. Because one day we will not be able to hold them inside any longer, the pressure will be too much. Sooner or later, we will explode. If it is hard already, dealing with our emotions while they are taking place right now, can you imagine what it will be like if years and years of suppressed emotions erupt all at once? It will be ugly. It is simply our way of saying: I will deal with this tomorrow. And then we hope that that tomorrow never comes.
Even before that day, before the Great Explosion of Emotions, the suppression of our emotions will cause us to suffer. Emotions are a powerful tool for linking us to life itself. Joy, fear, anger, sadness, laughter, love, … are ways of connecting us to the world, with other people, and connecting us to ourselves. Suppressing our emotions robs us of these connections, and as a consequence, it takes away the support we would be able to receive from the world if we had been able to connect to others and ourselves.
When I listen to my patients, they all talk about how they have to accept the situation. And then they get stuck into that same situation, their drive to follow their dreams evaporated in the fire of acceptance. If we are not careful, accepting a situation could lead us to get stuck in that vision we have of the future. Per definition, if we accept something, we are no longer trying to change it. If we try to change it, we are not accepting it anymore. That is the conundrum. Often we forget, when trying to envision something in the future, a situation we have to accept, there are so many variables that we cannot predict how something will work out. Which situation should my patient accept? That his mom is dead and he feels sad? That his mom is dead and he is out and having fun at a party? That his mom will never meet his future kids? That the grief he is feeling right now will be there for the rest of his life? A fixed image of the future, whether it is an image we have already accepted or not, robs us of the flexibility and fluidity to adjust to whatever experience life throws on our path. It prevents us from recognizing opportunities to choose a path that leads away from this image. It stops us from living.
Lastly, if we suppress the emotions that prevent us from accepting a certain image of the future, we are perpetually placing that same goal of acceptance out of our reach. Emotions that are not felt, which are not allowed to be, which are not accepted, will fester. They will grow stronger. And with every day that passes, we will desperately grasp towards that unreachable future where we are happy and at ease, because we have finally accepted and moved on. In this idea, this concept that we have created in our society, acceptance is a magical shortcut that allows us to bypass the emotions we do not want to feel. It is a point in the future we can project ourselves to Harry Potter style, disappearing from point A and reappearing at point B, and once there, all of those emotions will have vanished. If only we can force ourselves into acceptance, we will be happy again.
Yet, some processes cannot be rushed. We cannot sleep faster. If we try, we simply end up sleeping less. It takes 9 months for an ovum and a sperm cell to grow into a wonderful little human being. The Earth takes a day to orbit the sun, and this cannot be quickened.
Why not, instead, accept that we are angry, that we are mad, that we are sad, that we are afraid? Why not accept that having to let go of a dream, of a person, of a possibility, of health, is a grieving process that involves emotions?
“I don’t want to accept life without my mother. I am so angry at people who tell me I have to,” says my patient. “Good,” I say, “be angry. Accept that you are angry. Allow those emotions to be.”
We do not have to accept a future. Why try, when we cannot even accurately predict what is going to happen next? We do not have to accept a situation, whether right now or in the future, if we are not ready for that yet. Instead, we should start with accepting our emotions. You are feeling sad, you say? Good! That is okay. In the end, that is all that acceptance is about: it is okay. Whatever you are feeling right now, whatever you are experiencing, it is okay. The simple fact that you are feeling these emotions right now, no matter which emotions they are, is okay. They are part of you, and you are okay. In the end, we do not have to accept a situation. We only have to accept ourselves, and the emotions that make us human. If we succeed in accepting our emotions, if we tell ourselves ‘it is okay to feel this way’, if we allow them to be felt, they can transform and eventually lead us to that same future that would have remained eternally out of our grasp if we had tried to force ourselves to accept it.
